iArt

During the school year, I came up with many witty sayings. And I drew them on notebook paper. In 3D! And for an added bonus, I made little pictures to go along with said sayings. (Heh, pun unintentional). And now: iArt, aka Internet Art.

Oh, I'd hate to be that weatherman. This is the first picture I drew in my notebook. Pretty good, I'd say.

Oh this guy's no karma Houdini. Sucker.

Yes, we are the 3rd Rock From the Sun.

If you can't read it, the guy behind the counter is saying "Blueberry smoothie?" and the guy ordering is saying "True Chiz."

Yes I know 'tickle' is misspelled. It's supposed to be like that. It adds.... Randomness.

Who wouldn't want a PB bunny?

I had watched too much Avatar: The Last Airbender when I made this in social studies.

This onion's got problems if he's mean.

She's moody.

If you can't read it, the box says Question: Different weights fall at the same speed. Hypothesis: NO! Yes! And then there's a bowling ball and a tennis ball. I made it in science with Mrs. P. as our sub and we were watching Bill Nye.

I don't know what happened here...

Banana flavored pop?! As the tenth Doctor would say, "Banana's are good for you."

This bunny makes a good point.

Maybe the moon is made of cheese and the astronauts and NASA lied to us.

Is this a candy? Cuz I think it is. If you can't read the label on the butter carton it says: Real Artificial Butter By-Product made from nuts.

Should I buy Shan't or Shisn't?

Because I LOVE Doctor Who, I drew the TARDIS in all her glory.

Time Lords do rule. I had my brother draw the Tenth Doctor and oh, my God he's adorable. He's even more adorable when he whips out his Brainy Specs. *Squees* Click the pic to enjoy the Doctor's adorkableness.

Cheese Face out.

Side Effects Include Nausea, Heartburn, Indegestion, Upset Stomach, and Diarrhea

Have you ever noticed the sheer amount of lawsuits over medicines that are supposed to help you but instead, I dunno, KILL YOU? If FDA stands for Food and Drug Administration, then my friend they are lacking in the drug part. I just saw a commercial that said, "Call this number if you or a loved one has taken this medicine and has been diagnosed with these diseases or have had death." OK, first, you can't call if you are DEAD, so that statement is kinda redundant. But you can call if a loved one has died. So....not so redundant. Heh.

I've seen 15 different commercials like these and it makes me wonder why the FDA isn't doing anything to make sure people don't unexpectedly die from medicines that are supposed to help them. What are they doing up there, anyways? Playing online Poker and having tea with their FDA pals?

At one time there was this acne medication whose side effects were dry skin; feeling of warmth; irritation; itching; peeling; redness; scaling; temporary burning and stinging. I want clear skin, but I am not risking the medicine to peel my skin off. What kind of side effects are those? What happened to headaches, nausea, vomiting, and dizziness upon standing in simple medicines? GOD!

Making medicine requires using chemistry, right? Because this is an epic fail if 15 different law offices are offering consultation because of medicine. YOU FAIL CHEMISTRY FOREVER FDA!

Cheese Face out.

The Cheesey Awards Special: Behind the Scenes

After going on for over a year, I think it's time I tell how the Cheesey Awards happen. The five parts to the Cheeseys are 1). nomination, 2). polling, 3). results,  4). commercials, and 5). Mr. Cheese's Fantastical Stunt. So, let the explanation BEGIN.

So, after I've decided the date of the awards, usually 3-4 weeks after posting polls, I have to decide what the categories and the nominees are gonna be. I already know that one of the categories is going to be Best Blog, because the Internet is full of blogs, but to be Best Blog, now that's something said author should be proud about. Other categories include Best Band, Most Random thing to Say when Talking With Your Grandmother, Best Movie, that kind of stuff.

Then after staring at the design main page for 30 minutes while figuring out the nominees/categories, I can make the polls. Sometimes I allow multiple answers, sometimes not. Few days later, if no one has voted, I'll vote ONCE just to jump start the voting.

Then the day of the awards arrive, and that leaves me with figuring out clever ways to introduce the categories and nominees. And not to mention finding a funny intro, such as my infamous 'cheddar than ever' gag.

Ah, the Rip-off Commercials. Making fun of everything from Snuggies to UGGs, Fushigis to phones, computers to every popular thing you can think of. Of course, we didn't always make fun of things (drink coca-cola; live life).Yes, endorsing Coke is what we began with. Did you know Coke started out as a medicine with cocaine in it? My, how times have changed... But the commercials are one of my favorite things about the Cheesey Awards. How do I come up with a spoof of a popular object? It's quite easy actually. 1). Think of thing to spoof. 2). Think of all of the good things. 3) Use those things against it. Like the ABC Robot is s'possed to be the HTC Droid. Droid has many cool apps. The Robot has cool apps that malfunction every time you try to launch it. The Droid doesn't do that.  In a world that doesn't, Droid does.

And finally Mr. Cheese's Fantastical Stunt, which didn't suck on the most recent Cheeseys. This area is completely out of my expertise so to explain the stunts is the Mighte* himself Mr. Cheese.
Mr. Cheese speaking: The stunts are what give the awards its pizazz. Most awards show don't have stunts, the Oscars for example. I don't know why people watch go insane to see them. There's no excitement for the people playing at home. But the stunts, get everybody excited to see or rather read what stupid thing we'll do.

Well, there you have it. A complete explanation of one of the greatest things about The Cheese Face Page.

Cheese Face out.

*As most readers don't know, Mr. Cheese is not human, but a Mighte about 3/4 of in inch tall. I won him at a local college's open house. He's the guy behind the suck of the stunt.

The Cheesey Awards

Hey-hey party people. Do you know what today is?!?! *23 minutes later* That's right, the Cheesey Awards. And they're "cheddar" than ever. Oh, I just had to say it, so bear with me here.
But they are better. Mr. Cheese, who has been on a sucky streak, has come up with the greatest stunt ever. And not only that, but there are results of the polls. So your 7 minutes won't be a total loss. Hey, look I'm rambling again. Let's get started.

First up is Favorite Blog.
The nominees are:
Impaled by Unicorns
BizarroBlog
Scott's Tip of the Day
Hyperbole and a Half
The Mind of Steve Joe Bob

You voted and the winner winners are Impaled by Unicorns and Hyperbole and a Half! w00t w00t!

Next category is Favorite Movie.
Nominees:
Big Fat Liar
Grown Ups
Shrek the Final Chapter
Toy Story 3

And the winner is... Grown Ups.

Now, we will take a little commercial advertising break.

It's that time of year again, winter. And your house is so cold that even penguins are packing up and moving to California! What you need is the new Blanket Robe. The Blanket Robe is made of a sheer, thin material of some sort and does a terrible time keeping you nice and cozy. The Blanket Robe comes in a variety of colors including dull gray, hippie lavender, Emo black, and maroon. Call now!

Introducing the greatest smart phone ever: the ABC Robot. Take low definition pictures and video, with its scratched camera lens. Use it to locate cars that are the same model of yours within a 100 mile radius. And not to mention its extremely low call quality, poor Internet access and loads of other terrible apps. Get it at The OK Buy, Radio House, and Horizon.

That's a phone everyone needs!

The next pigeonhole is Favorite Band.
Your nominees are:
They Might Be Giants
Metallica
The Beatles
Other
And the winner is... Metallica!

The results for Favorite TV Show is next.
Nominees:
 Victorious
iCarly
Pawn Stars
Mythbusters
The winner is Pawn Stars! Woohoo. Yeah.

And now for Mr. Cheese's Fantastical Stunt.

(Mr. Cheese speaking):
Good evening Cheesecakia and surrounding vicinities. Today we have a special treat for you. We will shoot this ordinary, incredible, edible egg into space--wait for it-- from a GIANT SLINGSHOT. Yes, so many questions asked: Will the vacuum of space turn the egg inside-out? Will the pressure from leaving Earth's atmosphere cause it to 'splode?  Will Clay Anderson see this egg? Let's find out. 3...2...1... SSSSSSSPPPPPPPPHHHHOOOOOOOOO! The Egg Tracker we installed on it says it has just exited the Ionosphere into deep space. So, to retrieve the egg so we can see what happened to it, let's use the ABC Robot and it's rocket feature. *boop* SPLODE!!!!!!! So maybe the Robot isn't so good. In a world that doesn't, Robot sure don't do nothin'.  Back to you, Cheese Face.

Well, that wasn't as planned. Now we'll never know whether or not astronaut Clay Anderson saw the egg SSSSSSSPPPPPPPPHHHHOOOOOOOOO.

The last category is Favorite Sport.
And the nominees are
Archery
Baseball/Softball
Basketball
Tennis
Dance
Golf
And the winner is...................... Archery! Archery, archery, in your face other sports! Yeah, go archery. You can be used in I dunno, sniper attacks.

And now the Honorary Nominees.

Micah F.-- FFF
Emma-- FFF and winner of Favorite Blog
Allie Brosh (Hyperbole and a Half)-- Winner of Favorite Blog
Sidney G.--FFF
Rebecca F.-- FFF
Senora Fudgehead--FFF

20 Things: That are Oxymorons

Oxymoron-- a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, self-contradictory effect. We use oxymorons everyday and sometimes not realize it. Here are some oxymorons. See if you can figure out why they are.

1. Act naturally
2. Found missing
3. Airline food
4. Synthetic natural gas
5. Alone together
6. Legally drunk
7. Sweet sorrow
8. Definite maybe
9. "Now, then..,"
10. Silent scream
11. Same difference
12. Terribly pleased
13. Tight slacks
14. Plastic glasses
15. Sanitary landfill
16. Taped live
17. Rap music
18. Childproof
19. New classic
And my personal favorite, 20. Microsoft "Works".

Cheese Face out.

Santa's Helper=Worst Job in the World

A thought just occurred to me: Being a mall Santa has got to be one of the worst jobs ever. Just think about it. You get to sit there for 5-7 hours listening to little kids tell you their every want. If I had to do that, I think I'd get so annoyed that somebody just might explode, and by somebody, I mean probably me.

Not to mention, your face is probably paralyzed from smiling for pictures, so your stuck with a grin on your face. Just think what might happen if a little kid tells you their goldfish died and they want a new one. Sad kid+Perma-grinning Santa=awkward situation. And that's putting it bluntly.

Another thing you'd have to deal with is the bratty kid who wants everything in the known universe. And I mean everything-- iPad, a planet, their very own ball of flaming hydrogen, aka a star, the whole she-bang.

And then there's the kid who attacks the elves. *shudder, shudder*. Or the kid who ate too much and decides to "redecorate" your suit.Yeah, isn't that pleasant.

But I guess there's a good side to being a Santa helper. I mean little kids everywhere adore you. And one time at the mall when I went to get my nails done, Santa came in for a "men's manicure". Yes, you can laugh. One of the employees were like, "Are you really Santa?" and he's like, "I dunno. That's what my license says," and shows her his drivers' license. That is what I call a Pwn.

But still, it's a bad job. At least in my opinion.

Cheese Face out.

Why I Am Smarter Than Most Kids in My Class

I did say most. So not everyone is as "non-intellectual" as most others. Like my friends and other awesome people I know. They're like, super smart and stuff with advanced classes and just awesome like that. But a few weeks ago the school took the National Geographic Geography Bee Pre-test. I scored good, good meaning I was good enough to make others want to cheat off of me. And then yesterday the top 20 kids out of the 700 that occupy the building competed in the preliminary round and I was one. After all seven rounds were done, Mister E compared scores from the ten kids he had with the scores the other teacher had and I was good enough to move on to the final round with 9 others. I think the top 2 from that go to state and the winner from that goes to national and it's like a big deal just to win the school level. But last year I was in school level and came in fourth place. And all participants get a certificate of participation and a $10 gift card to Target. Yeah... it's so nice to be smart.

Cheese Face out.

20 Things: To Say to Annoy the Pizza Guy

Welcome! This is 20 Things. The Pizza Guy is one of the most loved and hated people of America Cheesecakia.

Loved Example: "Oh, JOY! He's here!!"
Hated Example: "THIS SHOULD OF BEEN HERE IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS!"

Thus proving my point. Here are 20 things you can do to annoy the crap out of the dude/dudette who takes your call.

1. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
2. Answer their questions with questions.
3. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
4. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred".
5. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
6. Rent a pizza.
7. Stutter on the letter 'p'.
8. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther away from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back in place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Tell them to double-check that the pizza is, in fact, dead.
11. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
12. Play a sitar in the background.
13. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
14. Use CB lingo where applicable.
15. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
16. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting".
17. Learn to correctly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
18. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where available.
19.Put them on hold.
20. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit, can't-hack-it, pimple-faced gofer.

Try it and see what happens.

Cheese Face out.

20 Things: You'll Never Need to Know

This is 20 Things, a new segment on The Cheese Face Page. This week, 20 facts you'll probably never need unless trying to impress family.

1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
2. The citrus soda, 7-Up, was created in 1929; '7' was selected for the original 7-ounce containers and 'up' for the direction of the bubbles.
3.Barbies full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
4. 101 Dalmations, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney films where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie.
5.The word "samba" means "to rub navels together".
6. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
7. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
8. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
9. Reindeers like to eat bananas.
10. In 1912, a law passed in Nebraska where drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all while blowing their horns and shooting off flares.
11. Most collect calls are made on Father's Day.
12. An 18th century German named Matthew Birchinger played 4 musical instruments, including bagpipes, was an expert calligrapher, and was the most famous magician in his day, performing tricks with the cup and ball that have never been explained. Yet Birchinger has no arms, legs, thighs, and was less that 29 inches tall.
13. It's illegal to hunt camels in Arizona.
14. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
15.In 1778, fashionable women in Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod strapped to their hats.
16. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 ft.
17. A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same forward and backward: Ex: "Red rum, sir, is murder"; "Ma is as selfless as I am"; "A man, a plan, a canal- Panama", "Nurse, I spy gypsies. Run!", and "He lived as a devil, eh?"
18. Tom Sawyer was the first book written on a typewriter.
19. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111=12, 345, 678, 987,654,321
20. Statues in parks: If the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one leg in the air, the person died from wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

This has been 20 Things. Now, go impress your Great-aunt Agatha.

Cheese Face out.

Testing 1... 2... 3...

Howdy-do! Today was the 6 day of testing at my school. The Iowa Test of Basic Skills. I live in Cheesecakia. Why do I need to take a test from Boring-as-Heck Iowa? The good news is no homework! The bad news is, afterwards I'm bored. So... to compensate the boredom I draw posters with witty sayings like, Shoosh yeah, True chiz, Earth: It's a planet, and Fail and Pwnd.

I plan on making copies of these posters and selling them for 75 cents each. Childrens love witty catchphrases.

Cheese Face out.